Being gay in a conservative society is not easy. The minute we are born or come to realise our sexuality, we are thrown under the scrutiny of society. As a kid, I grew up believing that there was something wrong with me or in the way that I see the world.
Never have I imagined in my entire life that I would be a woman today; I thought it was impossible! I felt empty throughout my life—a lost soul; a living corpse with no fun in life. Sometimes, I felt that I wanted to close my eyes and not wake up. I felt this way since I was four years old. That was when I had tried my mum’s bra and heels, to her dismay.
Ever met someone and just knew he’s the one? Ever had that magical moment where you thought to yourself “Ah! He’s all I ever prayed for”?
“Can you pick someone else who is ‘normal’?” said a conservative teacher to another who was going to select me as the winner of the 2014 costume contest at my middle school.
Coming from a Christian background, I was always taught that everything has to follow a straight path. But when I grew older, things started to change.
What they say about love is true. It’s both the best and worst feeling ever. You will fall head over heels, and you will be utterly devastated by it. Love is wonderful, strange, desire and abandonment all at once.
I came out to my mom when I was 23. I showed her a picture of a girl I was dating who could pass off as a male at times. She exclaimed “He’s short, but pretty good looking,” and jokingly, I replied “She’s cute, right?” Her eyes grew wide, and I could almost hear her heart rate as it skyrocketed.
I knew I was a little different since I was young. I realized that I seem more inclined towards guys. Back then, I’ve never heard of the term “gay” before. But it didn’t affect my life, because I thought, who knows what goes on in my mind?