Boys gave me trust issues.
I’m 21 and about to graduate from college in the fall. I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. People always ask me how I have so many boys to talk to, but the reality is no one wants to talk — they just want to smash. I’m 5’8″ and a bottom.
My first real boy encounter started when I was 18. I met him through mutual friends and was so happy. He dropped me soon after, saying things like, “It’s okay if you talk to other boys.” I felt hurt when he took my virginity and didn’t want to use a condom. Although it was fun, I was scared and he would always say stuff like “we can do xxx if you let me put it in.” We then proceeded to roll together at a Slander event, and when I got a comedown and talked about my past depression, he wanted to stop talking to me instantly. He said I was too young and didn’t want to deal with me.
To recover from this, I started what was known as the “hoe phase” and hooked up with many guys in a short period of three months. I feel like this period of my life will affect me forever because it built a reputation I can’t escape from when I was sad, young, and depressed.
I then took a year’s break from talking to anyone to work on myself. I gained confidence, learned how to work, and how to be happy.
In my third year of college, I met a boy from the popular Subtle Asian Dating site. We rave bae’d for the night and started dating after. I felt like his idea of the relationship was just buying me food and there was no real connection. We were then caught having sex by his parents—who didn’t know he was gay—and it changed the dynamics of the relationship. I tried to be there for him but eventually ended it because I felt so alone. I spent Valentine’s Day watching him drink without me at a restaurant, because I was underaged and he didn’t want to spend the night with me. I cried myself to sleep on my first Valentine’s Day with a boy.
The summer after, I met this other boy who was younger and made me feel like I was in heaven. I felt so appreciated and loved. He moved to NorCal for school and gradually started responding less. He never wanted to introduce me to his friends, and kept bailing on FaceTime. Eventually I got a DM from a boy on IG showing proof that he cheated on me with him. I was devastated because I felt like I could be myself with him. I shared everything with him and he met all my friends. I took him back a week later because I was in love with him. I ended the relationship subsequently because I couldn’t stop thinking about what he did. It’s really fucked up to message guys on Grindr with a profile picture that your current boyfriend took of you on a date when you were on with him.
I took a while to recover after this… I cried myself to sleep every night and felt very depressed and unmotivated. It was hard for me to find a job because I felt so worthless. I went to bed every night wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him. Was it how I looked? My personality? My friends? The endless questions went on and it became too difficult for me to concentrate in school. I have never felt so unmotivated in my life. I lost a part of myself that I thought I would never get back.
Fast forward to 2020, I met a guy through a mutual friend, and he was young and cute. We drank and both yakked. Even though he yakked in my bed and on my carpet, I still gave him a chance; I wanted to date with no expectations and to be myself and not expect anyone to be perfect. We went to the beach and watched a movie at my apartment the next day after drinking. We even went on a third date to get the famous strawberry donuts. But he friendzoned me after that.
This month, I met a guy through a friend and we hit it off at a party. I got ghosted the next day.
All these boys made me feel like I wasn’t worth it. But in reality, I learned a lot from all these experiences. I learned not to care about what other people think. I learned that there will not be a perfect Asian who’s a top and taller than me out there. I learned that I don’t need someone to do the things I love with me. I have myself and that’s all I need. I am slowly learning to be happy again, but I always have that slight hesitation when I meet a boy, because I know I might fall easily for him because of how hurt I have been. And I have the feeling that when I fall for him, he’s going to leave me like all the other boys.