I knew I was a little different since I was young. I realized that I seem more inclined towards guys. Back then, I’ve never heard of the term “gay” before. But it didn’t affect my life, because I thought, who knows what goes on in my mind?
When I was in secondary school, I couldn’t avoid certain friends or classmates who like referring to me as someone who was gay, into guys, a weirdo, etc. Ya, that time, the term “gay” started to appear in my dictionary. But as long as I wasn’t bothered about it, who cares? Life just went on as normal… It didn’t make any difference.
Then, this guy showed up. He appeared in my life, just like a normal classmate. I felt that he was special and I didn’t know why. All this time I carried the mindset that as long as I didn’t fall in love, or like anyone, it shouldn’t be a problem to me. That was true till that moment. He was a nice guy, but we are from different worlds. Unconsciously, I treated him nicely and cared for his feelings until my own sometimes seemed manipulated by what he does and says.
He brought up his concerns to me. I told him and myself that it was just because we were like best friends. He trusted that, as I did myself, because I didn’t know that this was how you felt when you like a person. Until one day when I could no longer convince myself — that all these were due to just being best friends.
From that moment onwards, I know that the thing is there, even when I didn’t face it seriously. I can’t say it is totally bad to know myself through this situation or at this point of life, because there were nice memories in some parts of it. But I bet everyone will agree that it will be quite miserable when you like someone who is not from the same circle as you. You won’t know how to handle it when it tickles your heart, when his movements and words appear in your mind just like that, and then you realise maybe you’re one of the “gays” that your friends mostly talked bad about. I wonder if it’s the same for all of you out there, because in my earlier life, the term gay always came with not so good things.
But anyhow, hey, I’m still here, still living my life like before. So I guess like my childhood, everything still goes on as usual, no harm or no need to bother, right?I feel that it is quite apt to describe this situation like the rain:
Rain is a natural phenomenon.
Like it or not, avoid it or not, the fact is it will rain outside there, somewhere, sometimes.
You might get the forecast from news, from a smartphone, and you prepare for it.
When rain pours, you put up your umbrella and walk under the rain as usual.
But sometimes, it just pours all of a sudden, regardless of forecast.
Kiss the rain, like what Yiruma composed.
Enjoy the rain and the moment you feel the rain.
Or,
You get mad about it, annoyed, because you never thought it would come that early.
You get wet, and the weight of rain on your clothes make you feel uncomfortable and heavy.
No matter the good or the bad, life goes on.
Sunny days will come.
So what are we gonna do when the rain falls on us?
Get a shower, refresh your mind.
Lather on the body shampoo you like, and sing while you shower.
Good or bad, happy or sad, everyone will find a way to overcome it, it’s just a matter of time.
Last but not least, open up your closet, and choose nice clothes to put on again.
And of course, it is completely up to you whether you want to go out and show everyone the clothes you pick from the closet, or change into another one that you think is more suitable for you to go out there with.
Kiss the rain. This rhythm suddenly feels so nice and comforting.
— Tiny Fate