Finding Myself

I had a girlfriend when I was 19. At the same time however, I fell in love with my straight male best friend. I also fell in love with another straight male best friend in university. Luckily, they are still my friends now; very helpful friends.

I went to a psychologist hoping that I could be “straightened”. I then realised that being gay was not a mental illness: there was no cure for it. The doctor advised me to explore the gay world instead of only living in my own.

So, I started exploring by using gay apps. I got to know some friends, have some hook-ups and unfulfilling meet-ups, and I even visited gay saunas.

But, I was very confused; I was feeling guilty and in the wrong.

My mentor asked me to set a target for various aspects in my life. Crazily enough, I set a target to find a boyfriend in 2018, just as I would set a target for my career. I was hoping that having a boyfriend would make me have a better life.

Amazingly, I got a boyfriend, as I had hoped for. Although he was a nice guy, I didn’t share the same feelings of love that he had for me. I learned from a book that “love requires work”. So, we tried to work it out, but we had more quarrels than love. In the end, we broke up.

After going through all the mess in my life, I finally realised that nothing would work if I didn’t understand myself inside out. I have to listen to my feelings, my gut feelings. When I meet someone or do something, I will take a deep breath.

If I don’t feel good about it, I will not pursue it. I will not try to rationalize when I feel that something isn’t right — I would suffer even more if I do. I will always try to find out more about myself. I will change and improve to be a better version of myself.

Find yourself first. Always.

— M