I was always partially aware of my sexual orientation while growing up, ie I am attracted to men despite being a boy. I started coping with my surroundings by trying to act straight, because showing feminine traits often led to the nicknames given to people in the LGBTQ+ community within this “so-called perfect society.” Therefore, I hid in a deep closet—killing my inner desires of wanting to proudly shout that I am gay—for a whole 19 years.
Growing up in Singapore, I was constantly afraid of the law and of discrimination from my friends and family, especially if they found out that I was gay. I acted “straight”, kept my relationships secret, and worst of all, pretended to be homophobic at times because of the pressure from my social groups.
I hated looking at myself in the mirror. Whenever I did, I would make a list of everything wrong with me. I was ridiculed at school because I was fat. I felt shamed at home because I was deemed to be not good enough.
As someone who studied in an all-girl school for 11 years, I was not a stranger to the idea of same-sex relationships. It was fun and liberating to watch some of my friends fall head over heels for other girls
and native dialect were parts of myself that I should be ashamed of. I curated elements that would form a seemingly perfect personality to blend in and fend off any wandering thoughts on my natural gravitation towards boys.
Dear you, have I been forgotten?
I don’t remember you even though I tried to.
Dear you, did my existence manifest hate?
I can’t help it, but anger reflects me.
I’m an introverted old soul who thinks deeply about life. To be honest, it’s hard for me to find profound social connections as not all people are deep thinkers.
I am Chloe, a very loud and promiscuous panromantic homosexual! I am proud of who I am, and comfortable in my own skin. Arguably, my experience in the queer community has been a pleasant one from the start, as I was able to find a like-minded community as soon as I accepted my sexuality.